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Alone

Ultimately, that's what we all are, regardless of the number of friends, family and loved ones we have. It's like the classic joke of a woman staring at her closet filled with clothes and yet, have nothing to wear. Except it's not a joke... well, the closet thing isn't either - it actually happens.

There are countless number of thoughts racing back and forth in my head and various conflicting emotions trashing within my heart, and yet, I am that person standing in front of a full closet with nothing to wear. I feel helpless... and alone. So alone. A stranger within a circle of companions.

Again, this is life... and I must compel myself to be fine with it.

I'm fine.

Dreamchaser

This is her 11th studio album and first that wasn't produced by Frank Peterson since Dive (1993). I got a copy of the album a couple of months ago, and the reason it took so long to actually write about it is... sadly, I'm not crazy about it.

In accordance to the theme - going into space, realising a lifelong dream - the music is heavily engineered to that effect. The accompaniment is so rich it literally drowns Sarah's vocals at times, especially during choruses... vocals which I suppose, have been engineered more than her previous albums. Many songs contain so much of background vocals that after a while, it was like listening to a mini choir with a (fortunately) distinguishable voice of an angel singing the melody.

Don't get me wrong - I like the album tolerably well... I'm not just in love with it. I still love SB, though :)

Tracklist:
1. Angel
2. One Day Like This
3. Glosoli
4. Lento e Largo
5. B612
6. Breathe Me
7. Ave Maria
8. Eperdu
9. A Song of India
10. Venus and Mars
11. Closer
12. 7th Heaven (bonus track on DVD+CD version)
13. So Long Ago So Clear (bonus track on DVD+CD version)

I don't exactly have a favourite, but I do like some better than the others. Angel, for example, but that could very well be due to the fact that it was a single which I had become acquainted with long before everything else. Lento e Largo, however, isn't something I'm cultured enough is appreciate and enjoy. B 612 is a vocalization track - a beautiful one! It is a Sarah thing to have one lyric-less song per album, but here, Ave Maria and A Song of India both have so few lyrics they're mostly just sounds...

I guess the point is, I prefer Sarah to a technologically-packaged Sarah. Too much production just leaves us with less of the real Angel of Music.

Temper And Patience

When I was a little girl (and all the way until I was a young adult) I was known for my terrifying temper. It wasn't that I got angry all the time, but whenever I did, my closest friends wouldn't dare to come near me. One once told me that she's scared to talk to me when I'm mad. When I was 16, I took the courage to admit this flaw in an essay I wrote. My teacher - whom I would like to believe had a genuine concern for me - penned a comment at the end of it, encouraging me in my proposed efforts to rein the monster in. That was the point in my life I started consciously refraining from flying into a rage as much as I could.

I've never really asked my friends how I'd fared, but surely I'm no longer the "angry little girl" they used to know? And not an "angry little woman" now, I hope!

I am generally a very patient person. Or maybe I'm generally impatient. Or maybe it's just really difficult to generalize patience. Having, however, been more than a decade in the teaching profession, my patience has been conditioned to reach an almost inhuman level when I'm at work. Sure, the kids push my limits every time, but I've thus far done really well in stopping myself from scolding, insulting and ridiculing anyone. It's hard - I am stupidity-intolerant - but, losing it won't make the stupidity go away, I remind myself. Every time I kept off snapping, my patience ups another notch and stays there.

I'd really like to think that I am right now, with all these conscious efforts to be always calm and reasonable, a person that no one is scared of anymore. In reality though, that's not true. My temper, though most of the time successfully suppressed, is still as fiery as it always has been. So, with improved patience and control, I have not become less scary. I am just scary a lot less frequently.

That means, yea - if you really tick me off.....

Dear Ant

I know it's really hot today. Scorching, in fact. It'd no doubt be great to find a nice, soft, comfy spot to take a rest and laze the day away... But, not on my clean laundry, please! No, no, nooooo! Please!!! :-S

Yea, I had to wash that particular item again. *sigh*

Lost Bear

I do not think of you often, I'll admit, especially since you've chosen to distance yourself from everyone I knew were your friend. It's unnatural, however, to not think of you at all on this date.

Sometimes, I wonder what changed, that you lost your way, and went on losing yourself to the point that I feel I do not know you anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if it were me who never saw nor knew the real you right from the start. Sometimes, I even wonder if I might have unwittingly contributed, however insignificantly, to the poor choices you've made. And I always wonder how much it was my fault for your having done wrong our friends.

I never meant to hurt. Not you, not our friends.

Forgiveness, I'm sure, though perhaps not easy to come by, isn't impossible to obtain, if you would just ask it of those who still care. If you would pay what you owe and strive on with honour and honesty. The road may be long and hard, but what is life, if it isn't that?

I hope you are well, where ever you are, and I hope you will find your way back to your family, your friends, life and normalcy.

Happy birthday, old friend.

Happy

There was a time, perhaps a year, perhaps two, ago, that a dear friend commented that I was sad. She saw, right past the jovial mood, lighthearted banter and careless laughter, the sadness in my eyes. She wanted to know - why, what, who? I care deeply about the people who genuinely care about me, and appreciate much - so much - their concern, but I couldn't say. I can't say. I'd like to think that life is simple; I want a simple life - but sometimes, things just aren't the way I want them to be. And I can't make them.

It's been a long time, a really long time, since someone told me I am happy. I was a little - just a little - taken by surprise. It may not have meant much to the person who uttered it, but it reminded me of the other comment, so starkly different, that it meant a lot more to me.

Perhaps it is making a conscious effort to be fine about everything - to be patient with those I love and apathetic with those I don't, to leave work at work and not get angry with certain people at work (by plotting a get-even scheme... kidding!), and to indulge in whatever and whenever I feel like it. Perhaps I have finally found a way to let go of the complications that is life, and just live. Or perhaps it's all due to the medication I'd been taking for my tummy troubles...

Then, perhaps I will no longer be happy in a few months, or weeks, or days. Perhaps...

Fine

Most of the time, that's the only thing one needs to tell oneself.

When one sees something one doesn't like; hears words that irritate the wits out of one; is made to feel small, unimportant, inconsequential, unworthy - it's fine. Turn away, don't look. Sing a song, don't listen. Be reminded that the person making one feel unworthy is unworthy of one in the first place - unworthy to be angry with, unworthy to cry over.

So, it's fine...whatever gets thrown in one's face. It's fine.

Because living the rest of one's life in pain is simply not an option.