Saturday, October 22, 2005

Matters of the Heart

It's a complicated matter. Many a time (long time ago), I thought I could do without it. Then, after the first love (followed quickly by the first hurt) I realised that a life not shared with a loving other half will always be incomplete. The heart always yearns to love and to be loved in return, although the process of searching for and obtaining love is always something that I don't appreciate much. Why - being a girl, despite the FCS (female chauvinistic sow) image, you don't walk out there, confront the guy who caught your eyes, and tell him so. You don't grab every single opportunity (or make opportunities) to be with him and hope he notices you. You don't go to him with the sole purpose of flirting with him. At least, I don't. Probably that's why getting noticed by the guys who caught my eyes were extremely difficult for me.

In first year university, I was a little head-over-heels over a classmate, but he was only lukewarm. And then, he went from lukewarm to room temperature, and later, even lesser. And the worst thing was, all the while, I was still classmates with him, which meant I saw him very often, and had to painfully watch him getting increasing interested in another girl - coincidentally, a close friend. It drove me nothing less than crazy. My heart felt as if it would burst with yearning, and I filled pages and pages of diaries and scrap paper with lamentations and poems. And one night, being alone in the house (my housemates having all gone out somewhere) I was almost overwhelmed by thoughts of him, and wildly hoped that he'd give me a call. Then, I got something out to read, bumped into a few difficult words (when you read Austen, Bronte, Dickens and the likes, you're sure to bump into some), got my Oxford dictionary out and looked them up. As my habit would have it, I read also the entries within several pages of the aforesaid difficult words. As fate would have it, I read the definitions (not that I didn't know them) for fond, and subsequently, fondly. And there - second definition for fondly - "in a hopeful way that is silly or unreasonable" - and an example which went "She fondly believed he would phone her" - !!! - I was so taken aback, my brain literally froze for several moments. After the numbness subsided, I felt this very sensible, invisible hand knocking upon my skull "Wake up!". Don't you just hate moments such as these?

I'll repeat myself - it's a complicated matter!

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