Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Pathetic Fool

Resentful, dreary, depressed, feeling down, demotivated, disassociated from reality - I can only think of so many terms to describe myself right now. It had been but barely two weeks, and I am not half the person I was a fortnight ago. I am pessimistic, negative, overzealous in gloomy thoughts, convinced that my future is nothing but a bleak, distasteful monotony - and I'd been spilling these miseries that I felt all around, to half my closest social circle. And I am ashamed.

I want to give up. They wouldn't let me. "Hang on!" they said, "it will pass". A part of me does want to hang on, but the greater part simply wants to quit and run. I had anticipated difficult times previously, but not this emotional breakdown, not to this unreasonable extent, and not this soon.

She said "Don't think about it!". They all did. To not think - to not dwell on the worst, at least; take things one step at a time; relax, focus on the immediate task and the rest will fall in place; everything will turn out right in the end.

I do comprehend. I do know the right thoughts to keep and the woeful ones to discard. I really do. But emotions are just that - emotions. I can't control them. Some may claim they can - I admit I can't. At times, these waves of helplessness and dread sweep over me with such sudden and overwhelming intensity... all the mental and physical strength I could muster is hardly enough to push them out.

Yes, I am ashamed. She had her own troubles and yet she gallantly pushed them aside while she consoled me. They all did. Some gave me words of advice, some of comfort. Some cited situations far worse that they'd survived. One bestowed upon me the wisdom of Kenshin's philosophy, another offered to let me kick him if it would make me feel better (no it won't - so I'll have to decline your kind offer...). And he said, the first step is to learn to enjoy my nature of work again, as I once did. Yes, I will, sir - I will find that element of joy. I will do it, or die trying (Oops... they don't like it when I talk that way...)

I realised I should not have spread the sourness of my own insufficiencies and lack of confidence to everyone who care about me. I should not wail and complain every time someone talks to me. I know it isn't right. I am truly grateful that I have you guys here for me - you know who you are - because I know I probably do not deserve such concern, care and love, being such a weak, spineless, emotional wreck that I am right now.

Thank you for not deserting this pathetic fool in her worst shape. Thank you for not giving up on her, even when she is tempted to give up on herself. And do bear with her, because she may just need to mope around a little while more...

(Edit: One day, I will be able to look back upon this post, and laugh / sigh / blush / bang my head on the desk...)


Anonymous said...

There always in a point of your life that you are standing in the middle of no way, thinking what is next...I know the road is hard and it is also tough...because everyone will be at this point of life once a while... so be a tough cookie as you always are and take the unknown road. And the offer of kicking me is still on... hahahaha

Sophia Khee said...

I believe in you. Don't be too hard on yourself ok.