Friday, November 8, 2013

The Illusion

I've always been more idealistic than being a perfectionist, as perfectionist is commonly defined. I like things the way I like them - which isn't always the way everyone else prefers, and usually not what society deems perfect. I've once written what my the ideal idea of love is. That was four years ago. I had the same ideal when I first fancied myself in love, some fifteen years ago. I still do.

My first relationship,which ended barely a year after it began, was held for a long time, as the most ideal in my memory. It was almost everything that I wrote in the post, and we never had arguments. None at all. He was the closest, I thought, to a soulmate that was mine. For a long time, I felt I could not find the same feeling with another - the seeming "perfection" simply didn't exist. I willed myself to let it go. Comparison, I reasoned, wasn't fair, because of how short-lived my "benchmark" love was, such that all there ever was time for, was the dreamy, passionate, honeymoon phase. We never got to the rough patches.

I was wrong.

It wasn't the brevity; not that we weren't together long enough to start annoying each other; not any of that. It was that the imprint of my own idea of a lover is so profound that my ideal love has become a mere illusion. I scorn those whose perfect partner characteristics include good looks, being dramatically romantic and sensitive, remembers birthdays and anniversaries and plans lavish celebrations etc., and was always proud that I never expected any of that from mine. Those poor, frivolous, common girls! Ha! However, the truth is, men like that were far more probable than the illusion I want.

For, I was also wrong about not being able to find someone I could love as I want to love - the impossible feat is getting him to love me as I want to be loved. And ultimately, that is what I want.

I want to be loved the same as I want to love.

One might argue that I'm just making myself miserable for no good reason... but, one wouldn't be happy just by telling oneself to be happy. Sure, one is fine when one isn't sad. Unfortunately though, fine isn't happy.

Life is short. Don't waste time looking for something you might never find.
Life is short. Don't settle for less than what your heart really wants.

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