Saturday, November 20, 2010

One Of Those Moments

I dragged myself out of bed much earlier than I would have liked, hurried through the daily grooming just to try to avoid the usual morning congestion. I took the simplest unhealthy breakfast of coffee and crackers, and I made it on time. It would be the fourth time I deliver the lesson. The very same lesson - the fourth time. The room was big and mostly unoccupied, for attendance was only about a third of the official number. Some of the lights wouldn't turn on and that had the room in a darkened bluish hue, coloured so by weak rays of the sun coming through the rather heavily-tinted windows.

The audience were quiet, perhaps intimidated, and not desirably responsive. I lifted my voice in a poor attempt to lift their moods and the general somberness. It didn't work. It was still too early and there were really far too few of them. I pressed on and persisted. The projector cast onto the screen a blank square of blue because the visualizer wouldn't turn on. The power button wouldn't work, the lights button wouldn't work. I fumbled with every button I could get my fingers on but it just wouldn't turn on. They were watching me like one would watch a TV programme.

In the instance I knew it wasn't ever going to work, it all came crashing in. The senseless frustration, exasperation, gloom, despair, resignation - the combination rushed over me like a wave, so overwhelming, in that moment, all I wanted to do was fling my pens away, strike a hard surface and utter profanities. I wanted, so much, to take the easy way out, get it done and over with! I simply couldn't go on anymore.

But I could. I shut my eyes, cleared my mind, and took several deep breaths. I opened my eyes, forced my hands to uncap a pen and started writing. It took a lot of effort. It took a lot, a lot more effort to speak and made sure it was in a cheerful, inviting tone. I was in a trance, mechanically obeying the instructions of the conscious mind. I could do it. So I could.

I have moments like that. I believe we all do. I am grateful I did not give in to emotional urges and ruin the session for myself and those who depended on me, for it didn't take too long thereafter for some to warm up, and thus, paid adequately off my perseverance. I am glad. Things are usually not so bad once you've gotten past the worst.

Now, I must rest, for I am unwell.

No comments: